14 January 2011

The First Horseman

Brothers and sisters, the Bible has it wrong.

In the Book of Revelation of Saint John the Evangelist the chapter describes the Seven Seals and how Jesus "Grabby Hands" Christ snatches the first four seals from God's right hand, opens them, and, thus, unleashes the wrath of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse onto us all. (Nice one, JC.) These not-so-friendly riders are depicted as Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death. Pestilence? What on God's All-Too-Green Earth is Pestilence? Whatever. I'm shaking in my Garmonts.

Albrecht Dürer, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
ca. 1497–98

For what it's worth, new translations of this horror story update Pestilence with Conquest. Big whoop. Not much scarier. The Mormons even interpret the First Horseman as "good," as in a moral conquistador, not a rape and pillage kind of guy. Isn't that convenient. No matter, they are all wrong.

Brothers and sisters, sinners and saints, the end must surely be near. Let me assure you, though, that the end will not come from a scourge of pestilence sprinkled over our fair land. It won't come from someone conquering us and it certainly won't be considered good. Ladies and gentlemen, the first of the Four Horsemen is upon us. He rides a pale horse and his name is Heat Miser.

With his destructive weapons like the Foehn, Favonio, Puelche, and Chinook among others; his capacity to produce flames from thin air; as well as his insidious ability to warm the whole damn globe, Heat Miser knows no boundaries and shows no mercy. But before I continue my tale of woe and suffering please turn with me now to Hymn #1 in the Holy Gospel of Country Music and sing along to this fine and appropriate tune.

To some, a warm planet is a happy planet. To a skier anything above 0°C/32°F might as well be the fiery pits of Hell. Take this season so far.

Everything started out textbook perfect. November produced two large storms that gave our backyard, the Jura Mountains, a healthy and stable meter or so of snow. This allowed me to escape the rigors of everyday life and float high above my earthly trials.

While I waited for the real big rocks of the Alps to be covered in the real big snows I could slip away for a few hours of heavenly peace and quiet knowing that I was doing the work of Ullr, and still be home in time to attend to my more secular duties.

It was a blissful existence, filled with short but steep secret treasures:

Visits with kind and generous neighbors:

Wealth and abundance typical of the region:

And a highly controlled system of heat replacement:

Yes, it was a blissful existence. Until he appeared.

The Snows of November turned to the Rains of December. The backyard washed away. Then it turned cold and the rain froze. Our White Christmas was a small dusting of mostly hoar frost that lasted until the temperatures rose again and the rain returned. By the end of the decade we faced a world that appeared pretty much the same as it did in late October: muddy, wet, and green. It was time to head for higher ground.

Though we knew Chamonix was under the same three-week dry spell the Heat Miser cursed most of Central Europe with, the elevation, and with that the snow depths, were higher. The hour and a half distance from home is a plus, too. As was the last minute steal on a half-priced apartment. Still, we were on a self-imposed mission and I insist all skiing was done in the name of the Lord (God of Snow).

The sacrifices were many. For example, we didn't ski powder. At best we skied only something that resembled two-week old, wind affected, heavily consolidated packed powder hidden in trees or the tightest of extreme north facing gullies.

Otherwise, we skied more wind-buffed, manky, crud. For the Lord.

We did not eat at a single Michelin starred restaurant. We ate only at humble auberges or creaky mid-mountain lodges.

We forced our young into a strict regimen of discipline, service, and respect and encouraged his higher calling.

In the end, though, all of our hard work, our sacrifices, our atonements were for nothing. More high pressure. More warm wind. More rain.

The First Horseman, the Heat Miser--his reign is almighty and encompassing and destructive and, seemingly, complete. He is punishing and cruel. And though you could easily pick him out in a crowd for his bad haircut, pointed ears, and sparkly outfit, he walks among us.

Let us turn once again to our hymnal and sing with conviction Hymn #10, "Satan's Jeweled Crown."

Brothers and sisters, friends and neighbors, apostates and disciples, with this threat in our presence, this heinous rider that, at least in the short to mid-term forecast, shows no signs of retreat, how, then, will you choose to live out your End of Days? On the long white carpet of death? Or maybe something closer to home, like trail running? Think carefully, brethren, and remember this: The Heat Miser never wants to see a day that's under sixty degrees. He'd rather have it eighty, ninety, one hundred degrees! He's Mister Heat Blister, he's Mister Hundred and One. They call him Heat Miser. Whatever he touches starts to melt in his clutches. He's too much! Too Much!

The Apocalypse is near.

In Ullr's name we pray. Amen.

Image credits:
Albrecht Dürer
Heat Miser
The Louvin Brothers

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