24 November 2008

+/- 4

I will not miss:

4. Latin American mullets.

In a country (or at least a city, or at least a part of a city) that is very aware of itself in terms of health and fashion, it's a mystery to me how this hideous disease has been allowed to slip through the cracks. And this disease knows no boundaries: from the slouchy teenager to the mid-life crisis, BMW-drivin' executive; from the son of a housemaid to the daughter (yes, daughter!) of a cuico. From a lowly taxista to an Olympic tennis star, mullets have infected the population and threaten to replace poverty, crime, classism, and general disorganization as the social problem of the new millenium. Mullets are problems here and if Chile, or any South American country for that matter, expect a part of the new world order then it must remedy this situation postehaste.

I have little photographic evidence to support my theory as I see no reason to waste time and energy to document horrors. My only proof are media examples of Fernando González, the high-profile tennis star, Olympian, and KIA mascot who, by all accounts, should know better.

You're a role model, Fernando. People look up to you. They want to be like you, dress like you, look like you. For god's sake, man, cut your hair!

The fear, of course, is that Fernando is following less the tradition of Latinos with mullets and more the long line of tennis players who chose depravity over self-respect. From Bjorn to McEnroe to Navratilova to Billie Jean King, the list is long and sordid and does nothing to help either the sport or the human race. The world's heavyweight and the one who should be most embarrassed is Andre. For shame, Andre. For shame.

Luckily Andre's era is over and he no longer has hair. And luckily, too, Fernando usually chooses to grease that shit back. Still, it's hard not to feel queasy when you see that creepy grin and lazy eye kind of thing and know that far too many Chilean youths are drawing inspiration from that coiffed head of hair.

Photos generously supplied by:
FC Dallas website for Juan Carlos Toja.
Fernando's blog for Fernando González.
Sports Illustrated for Andre's flying hair.
The Telegraph for Andre's butt.

(If you can't see a small, blue square and triangle that resembles a play button, go here and follow directions. Installing this will allow you to read and listen to music at the same time--like a real live multitasker!)


Lea said...

come on, that's not really a mullet on the chileno tennis player guy. and anyway, you're just jealous.

steven hatcher said...

I disagree entirely. Then again you can be forgiven for your mistake, Germans aren't known for their keen sense of fashion either.

And, no, I'm not jealous. Just frightened.